when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
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Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication