When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
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“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Are you ok, human???
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
I don’t call them exes, I call them whys
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
FRED: right
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Priorities
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.