When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
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6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.