I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
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Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.