When your parents check you’re ok.
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finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.
Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.