When your parents check you’re ok.
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During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
“the hills are alive”
“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”
“with the sound of music”
“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
me 2 months after i graduated
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork