When your parents check you’re ok.
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If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits