when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
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Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
#merica
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea