Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.

CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son

pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there

Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”

“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.

-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book

Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire

The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.

I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.

Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!

My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”

But I just call a spayed a spayed.

Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.

Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!

Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear

Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?

Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”

Stop.

Scrolls Twitter

*throws phone in holy water

[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?

I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.

Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?

I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.

My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home

If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.

‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’

~me, parenting teens

New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.

Me: want some advice?

New dad: please!

Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.

New dad: okay.

Me: step 2 drink it all.

Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.

80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad

Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.

My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.

Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.

My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.