I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
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No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
I’m not average. I’m mean.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park