When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
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Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
True story 🤣
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.