When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
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Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.