First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
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I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
I ate everything, including the H.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?