@NoogsCorner: When your partner cheats on you, do what every respectable person does. Post their name and phone number on 4Chan.
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@ArfMeasures: [Runs into old school friend] Him: hey you're that guy who held weird grudges Me: And how is my eraser?
@illuminatedwndr: AA MEETING Chairman: Please, introduce yourself Eminem: Hi! My name is.. C: What? E: My name is.. C: Who? E: Hi! My name is.. C: Huh?
@ShaunRightNow: Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
@shutupmikeginn: Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon