when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
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People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
“plenty of fish in the sea” im literally captain ahab if i don’t get this one specific one after years of hunting i will blow my brains out
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I’m afraid we’ve been misjudging everyone who surfs in a hurricane. They’ve got it right.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*
Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.