when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
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*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
a public service announcement
Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.
Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:
Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.