Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.

When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.

[date]

Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?

Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.

Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!

Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.

You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed

a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”

*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*

I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS

Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.

Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.

I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.

We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.

Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.

10 minutes later:

Me: So… I snore??

[Interrogation]

Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me

*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl

My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.

Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting

Cleaning your kids room will piss you off cause why is my Air Fryer in here.

*possum hospital

Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute

My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024

an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.

100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree

Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.

Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.

ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.

DOC: Pull yourself together!

*both laughing*

DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.

I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!

The dog came third.

My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.

Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.

Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.

My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”

In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.

“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”

– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car