When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
You Might Also Like
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Is your wife single?
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
🤣🤣🤣
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Help
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Dead sexy!!
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater