When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
You Might Also Like
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Hear me out: WrestleVania
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.