When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
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Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
me working on my assignments ^-^
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.