When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
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I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.