Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down

me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed

boss: ok how long?

me: just a normal bed

Apartments show you 44 pics of the lobby b**ch I ain’t living in there

Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?

Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing

[2025]

Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.

You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner

Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?

women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed

My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.

[Observation Ward]

Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-

Doctor 1: Take his phone

Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago

Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?

*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*

I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!

[Garden of Eden]

Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend

Eve: I thought I was your best friend?

Adam: I love you

Eve: aww I love you too

Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog

How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime

we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”

ocean: *waves*

me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*

I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political

Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.

FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*

Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement

Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!

I win.

I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.

Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date

It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.

Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through

Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead

I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

making sure he doesnt get away

we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still

If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.