Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me

Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?

3yo: No.

Hubs: Is that a new one?

3yo: Yes.

Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?

3yo: …Yes.

Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.

[first phone call]

Watson: hello

Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?

Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.

FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.

I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.

Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you

Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD

Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.

Also me:

*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*

Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.

Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

the male barbie should’ve been named barbo

Said the murderer.

my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me

There are spies in chicken coups now. They’re egg plants.

Waiter: would you like a lobster bib

Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously

16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’

Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.

I put the mess in domestic.

People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”

I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.

I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.

[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over

Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow

Me: pass me that cup

Kid: *gives me cup*

Me: I didn’t say simon says haha

[Later]

Me: PASS… MY… INHALER

Kid: not falling for that again

Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.

In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’

For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties

her: u excited for the next Star Wars?

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me