Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.

The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.

If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.

BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house

First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.

none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.

Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣

You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”

I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand

People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”

I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.

I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.

I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra

Cute

*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*

I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.

I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see

iPhone X

instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel

“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

– me, peeping at you in the shower

How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?

nothing like a slow cooked sausage

Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.

I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.

I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.

I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”

I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.

grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?

me: no. one only.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*

Cop: Sir?

Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.

[After Big Jewel Heist]

“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”

ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok

[In Court]

Does the Defense have any last words?

*defense rises* DE-FENSE

*Judge holds up picket fence*

DE-FENSE

*Jury starts The Wave*