When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
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Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.