When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
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How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
(Musicians.)
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.