Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”

Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope

Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”

Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.

Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.

M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.

H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.

M-

H-

M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.

It be like that sometimes 😆

Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.

Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”

HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.

ME: Yes I Khan.

Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner

Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times

Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?

Me: I got it for my girlfriend.

Indian Chief: Good trade.

I walked into a pub with my wife..

The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?

I said That sounds like a fair swap

Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.

[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion

Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.

This week’s mood.

Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.

I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.

-no one ever

🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen

– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably

When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”

‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.

Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.

[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy

When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.