Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*

I remember when all this was farmland!

*gestures toward internet*

Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.

No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.

pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)

1) An act of spinning on one foot

2) A tiny gay pirate

I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”

And I said, “Deal.”

Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her

In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.

Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.

date: wow nice body

me: i like working out

date: it shows

me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho

I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.

[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang

“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game

“I’m so stoked!”

-An excited fireplace

CAT 911: What’s your emer-

CAT: THE PERSON PET ME

CAT 911: What were you doing?

CAT: SLEEPING

CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE

CAT: I HATE PEOPLE

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.

“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.

BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder

I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”

Where it all went wrong

Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.

Her: Is that what you want?

My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong

9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.

You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.

A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.

[watching Olympic Figure Skating]

Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!

T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was

Me: oh

Co-worker: *tells story*

Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.

CW: What? It’s not a bad story.

Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.

caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson

I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.

Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.