When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
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ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped