when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
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Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Which is it, brain?
Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.