Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …

Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand

“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”

“Kids, I found a campsite!”

[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?

1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?

-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation

An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…

[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO

“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”

your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me

“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise

A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.

Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby

Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?

14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.

He’s been off for 17 days.

Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?

Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.

him: you’re an perfect 10.

me: omg, thank you!!! you want to go out some time or—

shoe salesman: i meant, your feet, sir.

If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you

Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.

6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?

Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.

college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”

me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas

my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means

Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys

My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.

*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*

Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?

—God, creating toddlers

Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.

~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton