Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday

Me: whatever

[next day, watching game]

Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium

Me: what

[theres a knock on the door]

Basketball

Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.

Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham

Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”

Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”

My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.

Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]

“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”

Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats

The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.

I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.

bury ourselves

When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.

That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.

Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.

#lunchpun

I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.

So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.

Facebook: Look at my perfect life

Instagram: Validate me harder

Twitter: Does this look infected?

What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.

I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.

People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.

[Speed dating]

Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!

Fellow senior citizens:

If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.

You don’t need to push your lifealert button.

i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ

sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day

dad:

sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?

dad: oh yeah, maybe

[they watch tv in silence]

me: ?????

Signs you’re a full fledged adult:

• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking

• You pay attention to the weather now

• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on

• You have a favorite stove burner

• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore

If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.

I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.

I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome