When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
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Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
This will teach them to underestimate me
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Left at a local drug store…
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
fired
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*