When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
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Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.