When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
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Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
*updates tinder bio*
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.