When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
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HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.