Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.

Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.

Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.

Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.

*reading a children’s book*

That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.

Cats (2019)

Done with work today.

The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it

Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.

You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”

The answer is always, NO.

1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse

I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”

thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow

My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.

I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet

Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?

-my 5yo, planning ahead

Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?

Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job

me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?

him: no, cash only

Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order

My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.

If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?

my neighbor is so annoying he keeps texting me things like “my cat is missing” and “i can see my cat in your window” shut the fuck up bill

[girlfriend in a coma]

*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?

[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world

Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*

“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”

EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?

Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.

“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”

*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?

Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.

You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”