Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails

me: yes

my brain: are you ever going to read them?

me: no

my brain: then delete them

me: no

I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.

Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.

Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: Is he a doctor?

Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.

My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy

“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate

uh yeah, I accept. No brainer

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time

Gravy boats are the opposite of boats

“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”

How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?

After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.

[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?

[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO

My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers

unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs

(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)

Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir

I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.

“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”

Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.

[Walking my chihuahua]

Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”

Me: “Sure. Go ahead”

*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers

Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”

Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”

I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food

Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.

[watching paint dry]

“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”

Angel: we need to make more creatures

God: why?

Angel: you killed them all

God:

Angel: giant meteor..

God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute

Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot

God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something