When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
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[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
tag yourself
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.