When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
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Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
also my go-to takeaway order
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
I’m trying to write.
My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.
I’m trying to write.
The dog is barking at the hammer noise.
I’m trying to write.
Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.
…I’m trying to write.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine
