Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.

Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me

Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?

[Krypto stares intently at Lois]

Superman: oh god he sees your bones run

Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.

Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.

‘How many lights do you wanton?”

“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”

~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.

“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”

Judge: how do u find the defendant

Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor

Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.

Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.

Principal: about your son…

Dad: our son?

Mom: is he ok??

Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.

[Betty enters with cooler parents]

Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.

Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick

Condescending:

(adj) showing patronizing superiority

(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.

How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today

We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.

“I’ll do it after I’m dead”

People that don’t know how death works.

Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos

“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”

~Management

Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]

Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.

In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.

Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.

Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited

Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.

They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most

[gym]

Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual