Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?

The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.

But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.

Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!

Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.

You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.

I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.

Sing it!

Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?

I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.

me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no

Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.

Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.

Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter

My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.

ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done

I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.

Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts

911: Did you ring yesterday?

Boy: No

911: Day before?

Boy: Definitely not

911: Your voice is familiar

Boy: Please just help

911: Ok can you describe your attacker?

Boy: It’s a wolf

911: Oh for fu

“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”

Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.

I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien

If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it

Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.

ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?

LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*

Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me

Me: My dog has gone missing

Dog pound: What colour is it?

Me: Brown

Dog pound: Sex?

Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?

5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.

I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.