when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
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Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?