when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
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I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
new wife guy just dropped
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs