Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my dog poops]

man: pick it up!

[my dog poops faster]

“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”

“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP

Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone

My phone: Yeah, you crack me up

*holds seashell to ear*

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.

I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.

My dentist has me so hyped up this morning, I’m thinking of creating a dating profile that just says “never had a cavity” and watching the matches roll in.

*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*

My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.

Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:

😂😂

me: freedom implies the existence of freesub

subway: we said no

I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.

I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.

Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.

Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?

Priest: yes

Me: and he rose from the grave

Priest: yes…

Me: because of the yeast?

Priest: no

Me: okay, none of this makes sense

My little girl will never have daddy issues.

But her future boyfriends will.

My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.

The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.

I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”

I took biscuits with me on a date once.

She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.

It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”

Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?

[A few hours later]

Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*

Him: How does my football throw look to you?

Me: Like you’re good at science…

Therapist: Are you two still romantic?

Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.

Husband: There were chores written on all of them.

Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids

If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.

My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.