When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
You Might Also Like
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.