When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
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On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.