Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.

An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.

I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?

went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …

Shrek + Akira = Shakira???

someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything

Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.

My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”

Have kids. It’s fun.

[opens car door for wife]

WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway

Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.

No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂

*later to thugs* They know too much.

One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.

If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.

A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.

Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!

Blacksmith:

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?

Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.

[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this

Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*

Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*

*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*

When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.

card machine: insert chip card into reader

me: ok

card machine: do NOT remove card

me: uhh ok i wo-

card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT

ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key

do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them

You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”

The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

*checks real estate listings on other planets*