Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!

NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!

DR DOG: You’re joking, right?

At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans

[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]

Me: ya know you can fly !

I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop

“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match

Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.

My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.

Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?

8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.

migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field

ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.

*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?

Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?

A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.

FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct

Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.

“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.

Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.

“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”

I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.

My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.

The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.

Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE

Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?

Dad: Well it’s in my blood

I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.

They’re watchdogs.

If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.

Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.

My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.