When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
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My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?
like hello i was also brave today
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”