When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
You Might Also Like
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
when someone rings the doorbell
Yes
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Baking is just science you can eat.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet