When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
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Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.
When do they kick in?
Who says great literature is dead?
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Noah was an idiot.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime