When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
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In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
guys I’m going home
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Story of my life…..
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Girl, same.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.
If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you