When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
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Ooh I do like a good funnel
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
no regrets
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
There should be a rule that people have to say what they want from you BEFORE asking “are you busy?”
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
