When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
You Might Also Like
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work