Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old

I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time

“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife

[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*

[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier

Her: Umm…Where are you going?

Me: Walking the dog.

Her: When you get back, we need to talk.

* walks dog…returns 3 days later

After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.

Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation

This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”

I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.

Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.

That’s because they’re coughy filters.

Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.

I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?

What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?

We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.

[driving]

WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?

ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?

i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters

Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.

The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard

Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.

On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?

*2 Knights on a Quest*

Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?

Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.

Elgon: Ha! They always say that!

Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?

Elgon:

Gawain: Elgon?

Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*

The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.

Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”

Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.

100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’

Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.

Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork

My son: No thanks

If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”

Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.

What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.

Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!