Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.

Well played, little dude. Well played.

Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven

#WhenIMisspelled ya know.

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

therapist: what’s your greatest fear

me: randomly going blind

therapist: i see

me: but for how long?

My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:

A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or

[smallpox]

Only 1890’s kids will get this

Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!

step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks

reminder

Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.

Me: I’m going to be late.

Boss, over the phone: What happened?!

Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.

me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home

wife: what happened to you?

me: I met a celebrity this morning

wife: and….

[earlier at the car wash]

optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?

Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.

I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?

[operating room]

NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…

NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now

Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?

The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea

HER: I think we should break up

ME: But…why?

HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue

ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction

HER: Or both

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

Damn he played himself

I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter

wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”

Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30

I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.

I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.

I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.

[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]

Me: diamond bracelet?

Clerk: $10,000

Me: cubic zirconia?

Clerk: $5,000

Me: glass?

Clerk: $2,000

Me: beaded plastic?

Clerk: $1,000

[later]

Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?

Me: I made it myself : )