When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
You Might Also Like
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
wtf is an acronym
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”