When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
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Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday