When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
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producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage
I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.
I do this on a Steffi Graph.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.
Police say they have several leads
#Police
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.