when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
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[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
You were the one.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.