Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.

Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!

[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]

HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??

My mom: [sighs]

wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father

me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that

Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars

“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*

ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head

my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree

Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.

Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.

7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kids

Kids are such fast learners these days

this will hang in the louvre one day

i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks

When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?

I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.

The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:

“How I Met Your Mothra”

The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.

I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign

I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife

How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together

Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.

Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!

*undresses on the run like Superman*

Be right up!

*stands naked in doorway*

Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi

Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does

Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island

Don’t tell me how to lift my baby

I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”

Breaking news:

I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.

Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.

ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD