when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
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The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
any last words?
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Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
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If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
“What?”
– Jude
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”