Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.

dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]

[first date]

Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*

Me: *gets up and leaves*

(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)

My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.

I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.

I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?

“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”

a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”

This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through

I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.

My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.

The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.

Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?

Me: recently?

I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2

“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”

– me whenever my wife sings while driving.

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

Best Halloween yard decorations 😂

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”

The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.

Waiter: And how did you find the wine?

Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table

I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.

I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”

Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon

A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.

no one ever comes back

I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”