When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
You Might Also Like
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
they need to invent a dishwasher with a window on it. i have to know what goes on in there
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
this is 10/10 content no notes
Okay I’ll bite. What’s this “football” everyone is talking about
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
