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Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUGQUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME
THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.
he looks great for his age
told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.