Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.

*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*

The 6 types of sex

I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?

“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?

If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot

…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…

[Chapstick Season]

King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah

Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.

People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel

My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17

mugger: I said, your money or your life

me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him

our kids: awww

I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me

“Hello what’s your emergency?”

Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up

Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!

Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote

If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.

Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.

Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.

mcdonalds: may I take your order

cronus: I’ll have the kids meal

Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.

[At the restaurant]

Her: Can you pass the salt, please?

Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.

Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.

[before Toto]

Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*

My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.

Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.

I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.