When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot
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Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
this is uni
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Hey I worked for it too!
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
This makes total sense…