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I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”
That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”
Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.
This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”