When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
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[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
The honesty is refreshing
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
if i say “morning!” to you it does not mean “good morning” i am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
english majors be like furthermore
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!
Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.