When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
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My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
all that yoga finally paid off
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy