When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
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MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.