When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
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I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Phonetics
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
inside you are two wolves
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK