Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.

I would like even faster food.

VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”

THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable

Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.

So can you!

Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case

Word: sweet, I’ll change the font

Me: no no keep the font

Word: ok I’ll just change the size

Me: please keep the size the same

Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol

I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝

Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.

Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble

Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first

I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt

When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.

Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me

Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court

[trampoline park]

me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*

Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit

C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*

me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.

me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮

Person: Are you on the conference call?

Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?

It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!

Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat

When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”

Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]

If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days

I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.

Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean

I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”

Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.

“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”

-my family